I am so sick and tired of seeing all the “I hate allistics” posts. Seriously, you spew hatred at every non autistic person in sight and then complain that they never listen to you. Why don’t they listen to you? Maybe because the only things you actually say are non helpful…
i’m just confused about why you’re not saying anything to the non-autistics? bragging about physically abusing their siblings?
I haven’t personally seen any posts like this, and I can’t have a go at something that I haven’t personally seen. However, I would always be against physical abuse, whether the sibling was autistic or not.
grieving the diagnosis and talking about how their child has ruined their lives by existing?
I have very mixed feelings about this.
I don’t think that it’s wrong to grieve the diagnosis. I think that grieving because of the diagnosis is a natural thing. Even I grieved when I got my diagnosis. I was happy to finally get a label and an explanation, but I went through a process where I became very depressed, grieving the life that I had lost because I hadn’t received adequate help, and grieving the life that I would never have, because I will never be normal. I don’t think I can be annoyed at people for going through a grieving process. An autism diagnosis really can be a shock.
If people say that their kid is ruining their lives, I feel like I should hate it, vehemently. I’ve been on the receiving end of this myself. My mum has told me many times before that I was ruining her life. It wasn’t because of my autism, but in reference to my OCD. It hurt really, really badly to hear her say that.
I can see why she said it though. I was stopping her from having a normal life. I needed her to help me with everything, I needed things done in specific ways, I would scream and cry when she did something wrong, as it would send me into an OCD panic. I’d embarrass her in public continuously because of the way I acted (I looked insane because of the way I walked and touched things due to OCD, I’d avoid her and act like she was disgustingly filthy etc). Going to a restaurant, to the shops, to anywhere, became impossible.
I can understand why it’s difficult, and why parents do need a place where they can vent their own feelings and complain and grieve etc. I know certainly at the time it was happening, I used to pray that she would either find a support group, or go online or do something so she could do all of the moaning that she needed and get all of her frustrations and hurt out without directing it at me. Maybe, just maybe, it would have helped the situation. Maybe she would have been emotionally more able to handle me in real life then.
I think that in general, I can’t feel too against parents moaning. I’m sure their kid probably does ruin their ‘normal’ lives. I’m sure they do need support and understanding for what they’re going through, just as their kid needs support and understanding for what they are going through too. I am seeing how them having their own tag to do it in would be an essential thing though. People with the disorder they’re moaning about shouldn’t have to hear how horrible they are, because of something they can’t help. Maybe this is why people are so protective over their ‘actuallyautistic’ tag.
What I would say though, is that all the grieving and moaning should not be a stagnant thing. I’d hate for parents to get permanently stuck in the thoughts of their lives being ruined and it all being their kids fault. If you’re going to moan and seek support, do it so you can move through and eventually past those feelings. Let out the hurt, so you can move past it and get to a better state of being and seeing the world. Life isn’t necessarily ruined. Life is just different. If you can’t go to a restaurant because of your kid, what’s stopping you from getting a takeaway and eating it in your house, with candlelight, your own choice of music etc. Surely that actually sounds better?
I definitely think though that you should NEVER, EVER, tell your own kid that they are ruining your life. It’s not their fault. They’re trying their best. They’re disabled. It’s up to you to get past your own hurt and help them, and not make life so much worse for them by telling them they’re awful little monsters.
Certainly the thing that always annoyed me the most was the fact that my mum never once looked at herself and the way she was acting, or at how she was impacting me. She was ruining my life through her ignorance. In her mind, I was the one with the problem, and I was the only one that needed to change. She never once considered that she ought to change her attitude. She never once stopped to think that oh, maybe her daughter was trying her absolute best, that her daughter couldn’t help being disabled, that she maybe wasn’t actually just a spoiled brat whose sole purpose in life was to ruin the lives of everyone around her. Again, I can see that maybe this is why autistic people shout so much to be heard, and protest their hate for ignorant allistics so strongly. Although on the other hand, I know that certainly if this had been directed at my mum, she’d have just hardened her attitude even more, seeing the protesters as just horrible, selfish people. If people told her stuff in a less “You’re an evil monster” way though, she probably would have been more inclined to listen.
Also, if you’ve got thoughts of killing your kid and or yourself, for goodness sake get some professional help. These types of thoughts are wrong, wrong, wrong. Maybe you’re depressed and that’s why you’re thinking it, or maybe you can’t cope etc. For goodness sake get help for your depression, and find ways to help you cope, even if that means giving your kid up to some family who can handle them better than you can. You’re having such thoughts because there’s something wrong with you and your ability to cope, not because of your kid.
talking about how they want to buy a taser for their sibling?
Again I havent seen anything like this personally. It does sound awful though.
i’m confused as to why that stuff is okay, but us not being nice in reply isn’t. we’re tired of having to move spaces because non autistic people take them over. so heck yes, we’re territorial. i’m sorry but there are spaces for autistic people to talk about their experiences. but they should not be the same spaces for non autistic people to talk about how horrible it is to have an autistic sibling/child.
I think I have explained above about what I think is and isn’t ok. Through my writing in this post, I am also coming to terms with why having your own space is an important thing. However, I still think it’s wrong for people to have quite such a large go at people that wander into the tag because of a simple mistake. I also don’t think that the tag is so obviously self explanatory. After all, their kid is “actually autistic”, so why can’t they write about them there? It’s not like the tag is called “for the sole use of bloggers who have autism themselves”.
Also, my main annoyance is that I go to the tag to read about experiences with autism and all that I can see is hundreds of posts about hating allistics, or about hating someone using the wrong tag. It’s just as annoying and bad as having to see the same inspirational video of an autistic girl speaking, being blogged a billion times by a billion different people.
in short, maybe you should be horrified at all the ableism spewed out by non-autistics instead of being disgusted at us for not being nice about being treated as un-persons.
Maybe I haven’t been around tumblr long enough, I don’t know, but I really haven’t seen ableism spewed everywhere. At least, certainly to nowhere near the degree that I’ve read anti-allistic posts.
What I have seen is allistic people being scared and having to write posts where they say “I’m on your side autistic people, really. I’m not autistic, but I’m not going to say my sibling/kid is inspirational since I know you hate that. I’m not going to say they’re awful and a burden because I know you hate that. I do want to find other people with siblings/kids like me though. Please let me do that? Please? Please don’t hate me and attack me if I write something about my autistic sibling/kid. Please, pretty please?” From reading such posts, I get the impression that autistic people have completely taken over the autism tag, rather than the opposite.
I’ve also seen several posts where autistic people have either misinterpreted, or simply misrepresented what non-autistic people have said, thus making them seem like awful, evil things that deserve hate. If it is just a misinterpretation, then it isn’t necessarily their fault and they are entitled to feel hurt by it, but still, such posts do annoy me.